This idea of recording yourselves may feel very uncomfortable, but it is a powerful method for discovering what occurs in your interactions. This time, we invite you to digitally record some conversations with your teenagers and notice how much you speak and how much you listen. Philosopher Epictetus is attributed with the following axiom: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Is this what you do? As we practiced in Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, it is worthwhile to monitor what you do so that you can target specific behaviors to change for the better. If we remind ourselves that listening is the point of our conversations, we might be able to enjoy a good “rally” with our kids. Susan’s ViewĪs I read my daughter’s reflections, I am reminded of James 1:19, “…everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…” James focuses on practical realities of life, and this instruction is particularly helpful for parents to follow if we want to have dialogue with our teenagers. If parents communicated with their teenagers by listening more and talking less, their kids might make more effort to respond to parents’ approaches, leading to true sharing of thoughts and feelings. I can understand that it might be worrisome for parents to hear some of the comments and see some of the behaviors of their teenagers, but they are often just exploring different ideas and values. A parent might begin a conversation by saying something like, “I just saw this YouTube video…What do you think of it?“ and maintain the “rally” by being open to hearing their kids’ opinions. Instead, if parents approach their kids with a question without an agenda, it can lead to an open exchange of ideas. This kind of communication isn’t helpful if what parents want is an ongoing conversation with their kids. Instead of persistently making their points and trying to force their kids to accept them, parents can initiate conversations where response is more natural.įor example, the only acceptable answer to a forced “Do you understand?” is “Yes,” no matter what we think on the inside. In conversations with their kids, parents can take cues from this “rally” approach.
It’s really fun to play continuously rather than to compete against each other, starting over after each winning point. Instead of playing to score against the other person, we try to keep the ball going back and forth as long as we can. My favorite part of tennis is to “rally” with my friends. Who would want to share openly in that kind of environment? They’re afraid of judgment and consequences.
īut when teenagers talk with their parents, they often feel controlled. Being on equal terms helps them to feel more comfortable with sharing one teen doesn’t have authority over another. They’re also all in the process of figuring out who they are, what they like, and what they want in life. Maybe this is because they are coming from the same generation and culture. Why the difference between these two conversations? When they talk with their friends, teenagers feel understood and accepted. But with their friends, it seems easy to share thoughts and feelings about all kinds of things. Many of my friends tell me that they have one-sided conversations where parents talk and kids (sometimes) pretend to listen.
COMMUNICATI FORMS TO GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CO PARENTS HOW TO
In this last article of the set, we will concentrate on how to move toward a continuous dialogue that builds the parent-teen relationship. We then focused on how parents can initiate communication to increase the likelihood of receiving meaningful responses from their teenagers in the second article, Initiating Conversations: Serve. My daughter Yumi and I addressed this in the first article in this three-part series, Preparing to Converse: At Baseline. These changes are affected by the dynamics of the parent-teen relationship. Our children’s communication with us changes all throughout their development, but early adolescence often marks a turning point. Where did the sweet, kind, and lovable child go?Ĭhances are good that kid is still in there somewhere, just harder to find amid the conflicts brought on by the physical and emotional changes of puberty.
Many parents are familiar with seemingly random angry outbursts, or the opposite: cold withdrawal, triggered by what they think of as innocuous questions and comments. They’ve been replaced with stressful experiences of “walking on eggshells” around adolescents in the home.
Gone are the days of easy, playful talks. That’s how many parents describe their interactions with their teenage children. Read our latest research about having better conversations with teenagers in this post.
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